This isn’t an inspirational story. This isn’t a story of somebody overcoming their fears and dealing with their anxieties head-on. This can be a narration on the sensation of pending doom. On battling a monster that has at all times been there, however has powered up for the Boss Struggle. This can be a story about barely hanging onto sanity whereas doubting that I’ve, the truth is, held on.
As I write this, I fly to Germany from the US in lower than 4 days. As I write this, I really feel my life will probably be over in lower than 4 days. I’m not afraid of flying. I’m terrified. I’m morbidly and paralyzingly panicked about every part that might go improper. An engine might exit. A missile might hit the aircraft. A terrorist might be on board. A panic assault might trigger a coronary heart assault. Something, actually. My nervousness is just not choosy.
I’m an emotionally clever particular person, and rational sufficient to know that I’ll probably be wonderful. My largest drawback will most likely be alongside the strains of an annoying seat neighbor or the dearth of wholesome meals decisions on the airports. I do know the stats and can’t depend the quantity of occasions somebody has jogged my memory that extra individuals die in automotive crashes than in aircraft crashes. I hate that statistic. First off, extra persons are in vehicles at any given time. Secondly, extra individuals additionally survive automotive crashes than aircraft crashes. However I digress. Logically, I do know the probabilities of one thing occurring to me on this enterprise journey are slim, however they’re not zero, and I can not give attention to something aside from the clock that’s counting all the way down to my perceived demise.
Anxiousness is a bitch. Medicines, meditations, and optimistic affirmations be damned, my nervousness is a fighter. You assume she’ll put on out over time? No method. She solely will get stronger over lengthy durations. Assume I can distract her by specializing in joyful ideas and doing issues that make me really feel good? Assume once more. She’ll sneak up on me in the midst of a match of laughter to remind me that this is perhaps the final time I chuckle like this. After which I cry and conceal the truth that I’m crying as a result of what sort of particular person simply begins crying in the midst of laughter? My fiancé does one thing good? Tears. The cat cuddles me? Tears. Serious about leaving these two behind to deal with one another? Rivers of tears.
I’ve recognized this journey was coming for roughly three months. I accepted the place of operating the US division of my German firm’s provide chain division realizing that I needed to go to Germany. Three months in the past, I knew I didn’t like flying, however I had no concept it might flip into this. I do not need the phrases to adequately clarify my concern. It’s a gravity blanket from hell protecting each inch of my physique. It’s a fixed reminder of remorse. It’s a ghostly hand grabbing at my throat, choking me with such drive that inevitable demise virtually appears welcomed simply so I don’t must really feel like this anymore. It has consumed me, and is all I can take into consideration.
In preparation for my journey, I’ve paid off bank cards, have written goodbye letters, have cleaned the home, and have spoken endlessly to the unfortunate few who proceed to hear. I additionally did a bizarre factor the place I purchased a bunch of bathroom paper as a result of at the least he gained’t have to fret about that for some time if I die? Look, I already admitted that I’m appearing irrationally. Stop judging me. Greedy on the shred of humor apart, I can really feel myself behaving in an unreasonable method. I see and listen to myself, however I can not cease. Self-diagnosed as Aerophobic, I’ve reached out to holistic practitioners to attempt to get on the schedule for hypnosis, or acupuncture, or Reiki. What I’ve not achieved is attain out to a medical skilled as a result of…causes. I don’t have time to be “cured” of this, and I don’t wish to improve my anti-anxiety meds. Is that silly? Perhaps, however let me remind you that I’m conscious of how I’m appearing. I simply can’t cease.
In all of this, I’ve come to comprehend one thing sudden. I’m afraid of flying as a result of I’m afraid of dying, certain. However I’m afraid of dying as a result of I’m joyful. Or at the least about as joyful as I will be. For the primary time in my grownup life, I really feel comparatively snug saying that. Clearly you already know nothing of me, aside from the truth that I’ve ready for my very own demise by shopping for bathroom paper in bulk, however it is a massive deal. I by no means thought I’d get right here once more. Are there dangerous days? Completely. I don’t assume anybody ever actually will get “over” melancholy. It’s at all times there. All the time able to encompass you in its void. However for probably the most half? I’m okay. Y’know, aside from the truth that I’m satisfied I’m going to die in 4 days.
So if these are my previous couple of days on earth, I’ll exit with some regrets. I’d remorse not marrying my fiancé in time. I’d remorse taking this job for apparent causes. I’d remorse not telling everybody that I really like them sufficient, as a result of it’s by no means sufficient. And I’d remorse spending my time locked in concern as an alternative of making an attempt to dwell. However these are the psychological playing cards I’ve been dealt, and it’s my actuality, as irrational as it’s. What’s going to occur? Solely time will inform.
It could be unwelcomed however poetic irony to outlive the aircraft journeys, solely to die in a automotive crash on the way in which house, although, wouldn’t it?