There’s frost on my windscreen like a clear sheet of glitter, and if it catches the moon at precisely the suitable second, it lights up my whole road. Rattling, I hate the darkish mornings and the chilly on my fingertips. I anticipate the de-icer to dissolve glitter like rain drops within the snow. My thoughts wanders to you as I ease away from the curb. I matched with you final evening. Do you bear in mind the way you felt once I responded to your message? February feels lengthy however I really feel settled right here within the speaking half. We fill our days attending to know one another, dancing between flirting and sexting and sharing intimate particulars about our household and our goals. My God, I’m terrified of what is going to occur once you uncover I’m not as good as I appear on my profile.
We’re huddled collectively in a 1920s-themed cocktail bar in central London, and also you’re so near me I can scent the cologne in your pores and skin. Your vivid inexperienced eyes repair on mine each time I communicate, once in a while dancing to my lips and again once more. However I don’t give into it, not but. We chase one another across the metropolis, studying about one another and laughing, your palms on my thigh and my fingers in your hair, and we stand on the platform at Islington and also you pull me into you, and all the world goes silent.
You’re gone. You’re gone a lot of the time and I’m loopy out of my thoughts and the again and the forth begins. Seeds of doubt are planted in my mind and also you water them every day; typically I believe they’ll choke me if I allow them to, and typically I do. You disappear to Barcelona for per week and I see dancing women in rainbow disco pants in your Instagram feed. I think about the 2 of you drunk on the style of one another and I really feel sick. I query why I fall for individuals who haven’t any want to catch me and I kill myself attempting to be somebody you may love and begin hating myself as an alternative.
Friendship appears like a band-aid slapped over my wounds, however I settle for it as a result of midway with you feels higher than nothing in any respect. I do know you don’t need me, not how I would like you, however you need items of me and I’m prepared to offer them to you. Fucking you as my buddy feels a lot the identical as if I had been to like you, and I ponder how mates with advantages advantages anybody as a result of I don’t simply need your pores and skin in opposition to mine at 2 a.m. I would like your laughter at four within the afternoon and Netflix and sweats and breakfast for dinner. This isn’t sufficient drains out of me like a final breath, however I’ll give that to you.
In case you stand on the highest of the hill in Alexandra Park on fireworks evening, you’ll be able to watch all the metropolis change colours, and I’m standing right here with you. The air cuts at my pores and skin however I’m buried beneath your hoody and your arms are round my waist and I can’t assist however really feel heat, and I’m unsure if it’s the pink wine or it’s you or it’s watching town I name now name residence appear to be a whole universe from up right here. I believe possibly you’ll ask me to be your girlfriend quickly and I drive it down as quickly because it rises in me. I don’t wish to disrupt the glass home you constructed for us, even when it solely appears lovely from the skin. It’s higher to stay in one thing fragile than to collapse when it inevitably shatters.
I’m drunk on every part and we each know I’ve no filter when my blood is filled with alcohol. I ask you to be my boyfriend once more however I’m drunk now, drunk and annoyed, and I really feel like I’m slowly being smoked out. And you’re indignant, indignant as a result of I preserve pushing and also you’re too cussed and my God, isn’t the gray space a lot simpler to exist in than to only decide to me? I take into consideration how I’m all or nothing, and possibly I’m nothing to you. However you’re so good at convincing me the grey is crystal clear and I ought to simply be pleased with the place we’re proper now, and I can’t stand to lose you, so I select to lose myself as an alternative. And heartbreak appears good on me—I’ve been carrying it for my entire life.
Your house appears completely different once I’m fleeing it and your eyes look completely different after they’re indignant, and this emotion doesn’t sit proper in your face as I pull on my coat and order a cab. I do know I gained’t be again. I do know you want me however not sufficient, and I’m looking for a lot greater than you would ever present. I knew that each one alongside, however on the subject of love, I by no means did know how one can love myself.
You fireplace me an indignant textual content as I clamber into the again of the cab, however you don’t observe me. I let you know as soon as once more that I would like all of you or nothing, as a result of this midway appears like hell and I’m forgetting the way it feels to be entire. I take into consideration all the cab rides we’ve had from exterior your house into town, how our palms rested within the area between us, our fingers locked as you made well mannered chit-chat with the driving force. However proper now there’s solely the sound of the radio, and my thumbs are hovering over our Whatsapp dialog, and this appears like drowning and developing for air suddenly and I don’t know what that claims about us.
However the silence that follows confirms every part I at all times knew—I solely ever had nearly all of you.